Dave Bloom
Soon after arriving in Paris, I was approached by an older man at a cafe. With my blond hair and toothy grin, I was clearly a foreigner and at 29, a still-prime target. He asked if he could join me. “Actually, I am engaged,” I said, a fact I was very excited about just weeks after becoming betrothed.
“But zees is nuh-sing in France,” he replied with a sly grin. Nothing? I was shocked.
Thomas Mueller / Celine Willard
I had, of course, heard how forward French men could be. Tales of infidelity in France are legendary and I naively assumed I had encountered a world-class lothario. But I knew nothing then about the French art of la seduction and how what might seem like a come-on to a young American can actually be a benign and entertaining part of the game of life à la Française.
Kallie Brynn
I soon realized that flirting in France is central to the way men and women relate to each other. Good natured flirtation is expected and welcomed, assuming one follows the rules of discretion and good taste, bien sûr.
After nearly four years in Paris, here are a few things I’ve learned.
Flirting is fun: Men and women here view “le flirting” as a normal and deeply enjoyable part of daily life. It is a skill to be deployed in all situations – from casual supermarket encounters to exchanges with grumpy fonctionnaires – that can often assist in getting what you want. It can be as simple as holding eye contact for an extra beat or receiving a discreet nod of approval on the street. Much of it centers around light-hearted banter – the ability to engage in witty repartee and deliver a smart remark at just the right moment. Once mastered, the Parisian game of flirtation can be yet one more pleasure added to the day.
Gael Sagueton
The French admire beauty: French women work hard to look attractive and expect that men will notice (although they may or may not return their attention). Men, for their part, feel it’s their job to admire women and to express their appreciation – and not just to women under thirty. As one male French friend put it, “I meet eyes with a woman to acknowledge her beauty, whether it is present or past. If the look is returned, it may be appropriate to speak, but that is never taken for granted.”
Not just for singles: Single American men and women flirt at parties, bars and clubs (and online and via text, so I’ve heard.) Married people do not flirt at all unless they’re scumbags who routinely cheat (or want to cheat) on their spouses, right?
Dave Bloom
Not so in Paris. At a dinner party a few years ago, I watched a French friend flirt openly with my husband. We were seated with a large group and all enjoying multiple verres de vin. I watched (glared?) across the table as she laughed at his jokes, touched his arm, even talked about how “beau” he is. Hmm.
Being a loyal gentleman (often unaware of his own charms), he was flattered by her attention but claimed not to really notice. “Flirting with me?” he said when we got home. “No waaaay….” It was only later, after coming to understand the French, that I realized her gestures were quite harmless – a normal part of male/female rapport.
Dave Bloom
As time goes on, I figure, why not enjoy a little attention and appreciation from a stranger? That little frisson of pleasure that comes from a playful exchange can enhance the joy of daily life and even add a spark to your own relationship.
Provided it doesn’t go too far (unless that’s the point, of course) I say, vive le flirting. As a French friend explained it, “The French are always trying to seduce everyone. It’s just for ‘le fun!'”
- Amy Thomas is plotting a way to live in Paris!
- Our very own Tory gets more than flirted with!
- Love in the City of Lights and 10 golden rules to live by
WRITTEN BY
Paige Bradley Frost
Paige Bradley Frost spent nearly a decade in Paris after which she relocated to California serving as Executive Director of the nonprofit organization, Women’s Empowerment International. She has written extensively covering culture, parenting, education, travel, food and politics. Her work as been published by The New York Times Motherlode blog, Huffington Post, Forbes Travel Guides and extensively at HIP Paris.
It would be great to do a comparison of the German approach to flirting!
I am Canadian and I am having a hard time with my French boyfriends constant flirting. I straight up told him that it isn’t his JOB to let these other women know they are beautiful (he comments on photos on social media as such). I really feel it waters down any and all compliments he gives me if he gives them to everyone. I really love him but I do not like the insecurity this is making me feel. I find it deeply disrespectful. I’m not beautiful if everyone is beautiful. How am I supposed to feel special and intimate?
I know this is an old post, but I would like to add to it:
I figure that cultural differences should be respected, for example if someone from say America is living or visiting in France then acceptance (which is respect) of the relationship culture in France is a must.
Also, if someone from France is living or visiting in America then also acceptance of the relationship culture (respect) is a must.
Unless you might want to get into a fight and from what I have seen cat fights including pulling clumps of hair out of the other woman’s head that is flirting or otherwise with her guy is an option ha ha. Probably not the most mature thing to do but I have seen it and it’s in part of the culture.
Obviously we know that kissing on the cheek isn’t done in America. So these small simple things start to add up when it is misunderstood.
I have seen many English flirt with another person in front of their married partner but this was only done when the married couple was in the process of secretly divorcing anyway, so both people could care less and is a sign of true disrespect toward each other.
I believe this relationship culture respect also implies to men as well, I am English. A French guy and me did not get along because of the differences of relationship culture, he was visiting my country and didn’t go by our dating rules, in which case I thought he was rude. Because of this, I unintentionally ended up hurting him without even knowing it at the time. I think that when a person visits or lives in another country different from their own, understanding the relationship culture will make it where both people are on the same playing field.
Some times it is not even a country that is so different but within a country there can be various dating cultures, an example is Canada. Where I imagine the province of Quebec’s relationship culture, is a lot different then say the Province of British Columbia relationship culture.
The reason why I believe that it matter’s where you are located, is because this is what is accepted in the general society of where the person is living or visiting, if it is not accepted it can raise eyebrows and even create a reputation for the person involved, dependent on the culture. What seems harmless in one country may not be so harmless in another. What is generally accepted and made to be a big deal, may raise eye brows by others.
If anyone cannot accept the relationship culture of that country, then perhaps not living or visiting is an option.
I don’t agree with French women flirting with my boyfriend because 1) how am I supposed to know when the line is being crossed? Yes my boyfriend can tell the woman she’s going too far, but its the sheer fact that I wouldn’t know when the line is being crossed because I do not speak the same language. I am learning French so I can understand some things, I don’t know how I managed to understand the conversation with my boyfriend and cousin, but I understood 100%. She tried this with my boyfriend and I had to ask her to come outside so I could speak to her and told her to stop speaking in French and flirting with my man, (she can speak English) otherwise things won’t go so well with her if she continued. (her body language, eye contact and flirtatious speaking in French was obvious) Her response was that English people take things too seriously and that flirting doesn’t mean that she wants to sleep with my boyfriend. Well I’m sure she has that in mind but you just don’t know what’s going through someone’s mind. In the end I told her she’s not in her country, and that she should fuck off back to her own to “le flirt” with her French men. She wasn’t happy but she couldn’t argue with me because she was in MY HOUSE. if she was apologetic I wouldn’t of been angry but the fact that she saw nothing wrong with it even when I alerted her pissed me off. My boyfriend told me that my cousin saw me as being the rude person because I was aggressive with her, but he understood why I was that way with her. He said there are rules in France and that she would never try to sleep with me because she’s my family…LIKE PEOPLE DON’T DO THAT SORT OF THING? Keep your hands and eyes to yourself thanks!
BRAVO
Mme Zimmie and Courtney – two very beautiful replies 🙂
Kiki (female)
[stating this as thought Courtney was a woman until I started reading and also because I am often addressed as a HE by people who don’t know me personally]
Thank you, Paige. I enjoyed this information. I am a Texan male, and struggle with the “beat her over the head” style of flirtation I was raised in. I desire finesse, in myself and the subject of my attention. It is nice to see there is a group of fellow humans that can go through their day appreciating not only the physical beauty and the social stimulation, but also the right of each individual to choose how far the interaction will go. And regardless of how far it goes, the most important part was that the results of the simple original “flirt” (the first action to acknowledge each others awareness of each other) is worth it, in itself. What an evolved group, compared to where I come from.
As an American in France, I have to say that I’m not now, nor have I ever been bothered by the flirtatious nature which seems to pervade the society. The way I see it, my husband is only mine because he chooses to be so. If I had to guard him that closely, then it would seem to me that there was a foundational problem afoot. Conversely, the last person I would be concerned about “stealing” him would be my best friend. If I ever pondered such a notion, she certainly wouldn’t be my ‘best’, let alone my friend. Lastly, the concept of “stealing”, (precisely why I’ve put it in quotes…). We’re talking France here. It is highly unlikely that anyone we’re referencing is being “stolen”. If they go- methinks it was by choice, and not likely a forced coercion by some French femme-fatale. Naturally, this is only my opinion, and I am a stranger in a strange land- so please take with a grain of salt. Kasia- I’ve just ordered the book, based on your recommendation.
Best to you all!